If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog of course . At least it will shut up after you let him in!
August 31, 2008
August 29, 2008
Three Children
A couple had three children.
Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked: "Are the third child really mine? "
" Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " .......... but the other two are not. "
Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked: "Are the third child really mine? "
" Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " .......... but the other two are not. "
August 27, 2008
McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH"
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH"
August 25, 2008
August 23, 2008
Wedding Anniversary
I asked my wife : " Where do you want to go on our anniversary ? "
She said : " Oh ! Somewhere I have never been before ! "
I told her : " How about the kitchen ? "
She said : " Oh ! Somewhere I have never been before ! "
I told her : " How about the kitchen ? "
August 21, 2008
August 19, 2008
Mean Men
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Please join the queue."
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Please join the queue."
August 17, 2008
When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (5)
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
August 15, 2008
When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (4)
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SIN CE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SIN CE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
August 13, 2008
When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (3)
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
August 11, 2008
When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (2)
In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTO MER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
CUSTO MER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
August 09, 2008
When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (1)
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
August 07, 2008
Pls, cancel her credit card!
This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is.... My Aunt died this past January. Bank billed her for February and March for! Their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00 I placed the following phone call to Bank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank:"...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me:Â "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: ".....(stammer)"Â .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me:Â "Sure." (Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
Bank:Â "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank:Â "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank:"...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me:Â "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: ".....(stammer)"Â .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me:Â "Sure." (Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
Bank:Â "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank:Â "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
August 05, 2008
Why we love children (11)
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
August 03, 2008
Why we love children (10)
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
August 01, 2008
Why we love children (9)
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
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