Children are so creative!

KIDS say the darnest things. ;-)

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?

Beruang Yang Beriman...

"Alkisah... .. Seorang lelaki islam ponteng sembahyang Jumaat. Sebaliknya dia masuk hutan untuk memburu beruang. Sedang dia terhendap2 di dalam semak, tiba2 dia berlanggar dengan seekor beruang.

Dia begitu terkejut sehingga senapangnya tercampak lalu tergelungsur ke dalam jurang. Dia pula tergolek ke arah lain, jatuh ke atas batu dan KRAKKKK! Kedua2 kakinya patah. Jangan risau .. ini bukanlah berita buruk ok. Ada lagi ..

Berita buruknya adalah beruang tadi terus menghambatnya, sedangkan dia dah tak boleh bergerak lagi.

"Ya Allah," doa lelaki tersebut,"Ampunilah dosaku kerana ponteng sembahyang berjemaah pada hari Jumaat yang mulia ini. Ampunilah aku ya Allah .. makbulkan hajat ku ini .. jadikanlah beruang yang memburuku beruang yang beriman .. tolong ya Allah! Aminnn.."

Tiba2 guruh berdentum! Beruang tadi tiba2 terhenti betul2 di hadapan lelaki tadi. Sambil menadah kedua2 kaki depannya ke langit, beruang tersebut pun berdoa, "Allahumma barik lana, fima razaktana, wa qina azabbannar. Amin!"

Note : Walaupun ini hanya sekadar lawak, tapi pengajarannya perlu diambil. Jangan cuba-cuba nak ponteng sembahyang Jumaat, pembalasan Allah tu pelbagai cara.

Singlish Forever

Why do we insist on using the Queen's English, when Singlish is so muchnmore economical and effective? Compare and see!

When going shopping...
Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

When returning a call...
Britons : Hello, this is Mr Bean. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page?

When someone is in the way...
Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
S'poreans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor! or Skius!

When someone offers to pay...
Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
S'poreans: No-nid. (no need)

When asking for permission...
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
S'poreans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
S'poreans: Go toilet. Cannot tahan oreddy.

When entertaining...
Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
S'poreans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
S'poreans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons : I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
S'poreans: Doe-waaaan.

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons : What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out & all the restaurants are closed?
S'poreans: So how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the policy.
S'poreans: Talk cock, lah you!

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
S'poreans: Eh, tiam, can or not?

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
S'poreans: See what?

Teka-teki bodoh

Soalan : Hitam & berpeluh..Haa..Ape tu??
Jawapan : Semut hitam tengah berjogging....

Soalan : Apa benda bila masuk segitiga, bila keluar bergulung-gulung....
Jawapan : Seluar dalam lerrr..

Soalan : Antara kapal terbang dengan kuih lepat liat, mana satu yang paling tinggi?
Jawapan : Kuih lepat liat la...sebab kapal terbang sampai langit je, tp kuih lepat liat sampai
LELANGIT...

Soalan : Byk-byk kotak, kotak ape yg tak leh angkat?
Jawapan : Kotak penaltilah

Soalan : Kenapa penggali kubur gali kubur tak pakai selipar???
Jawapan : Selipar maner boley buat gali tanah......gune cangkol lar....

Soalan : 3 kepala, 6 mata, 8 kaki. Apakah ia?
Jawapan : Koboi naik kuda bawa ayam.

Soalan : Masa dia hidup kita nyanyi, masa dia mati kita tepuk tangan
Jawapan : Lilin masa sambut birthday

Soalan : Scorpion kaler apa?
Jawapan : Kala jengking la

Soalan : Dlm bnyk2 kera, kera ape yg pandai menaip???
Jawapan : Kerani

Soalan : Ada sorang iman, tengah sembahyang lepas tu ada sekor anjing lalu depan dia.. pastu
dia jilat kaki dia.. Batal tak air semayang imam tu?
Jawapan : Mana batal sebab anjing tu jilat kaki dia sendiri

Soalan : 4 org awek berpayung dgn satu payung tp kenape tak basah?
Jawapan : Sebab tak hujan

Pesakit dari 2 negara

Atas saranan doktor, Mamat dihantar untuk berubat di USA kerana penyakitnya yang agak kritikal. Sesampainya di Hospital New York , Mamat dibawa ke bilik bedah dan dipasang tiub getah kiri kanan.

Beberapa jam kemudian, seorang pesakit dari UK yang kelihatannya lebih parah dibawa masuk dan diletak bersebelahan katil si Mamat. Si Mat Saleh ini walaupun kelihatannya lemah, dia masih mencuba untuk berkomunikasi dengan Mamat. Dia mengangkat tangannya dengan susah payah dan berkata:" United kingdom..." Mamat yang juga sedang lemah, menjawab: "Malaysian..."

Setelah itu dua-duanya pengsan karena keletihan. Beberapa jam kemudian mereka kembali sedar dan cuba berkomunikasi lagi. Si Mat Saleh berkata dengan lemah: "James...". Dijawab dengan susah payah oleh Mamat: "Mamat...".

Habis itu mereka pengsan lagi. Beberapa jam kemudian setelah sedar, mereka berdua masih mencuba melanjutkan percakapannya. " Birmingham..."kata si Mat Saleh. Dijawab Mamat: "Kuala Kangsar...". Pengsan lagi.

Tak lama kemudian mereka sedar dan masih mencuba untuk berbual. Si Mat Saleh yang sudah hampir kehabisan nafas berkata: "Cancer..." Dan dengan sisa-sisa nafas yang ada Mamat menyahut: "Capricorn...!"

Anjing siapa lebih pintar?

Dua wanita sedang berbual-bual tentang kehebatan anjing masing-masing.
Wanita 1: U know.... anjing I cukup pintar, dialah yg tunggu mamak surat khabar dan bawa
masuk kpd suami I yg sedia menunggunya.
Wanita 2 : I knowwwww......
Wanita 1 : Bagaimana U know ?
Wanita 2 : Anjing I bagi tau !

Jalan Sehala

Seorang pelancong Indonesia datang ke Kuala Lumpur tersesat jalan lantas menalipon rakan Malaysianya.
Rakannya bertanya " Kau dimana sekarang?"
Pelancong Indonesia menjawab " Aku di JALAN SEHALA sekarang!".