January 29, 2008
Divorce Letters
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case... I'm gone.
Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------------- ------ ------- ------- ------- ---------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week... and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl"... but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla'...was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you!!!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case... I'm gone.
Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------------- ------ ------- ------- ------- ---------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week... and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl"... but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla'...was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you!!!
January 28, 2008
Kisah Pontianak
Pada satu malam 3 ekor pontianak sedang bertenggek nun di atas pokok sambil bergaduh tentang kehebatan masing-masing. Ketiga-tiga mengaku diri mereka hebat. Untuk menentukan siapa paling hebat mereka pun cuba membuktikan kehebatan masing-masing. Pontianak A terbang dengan sepantas kilat. 10 saat kemudian balik semula ke pokok tersebut. Kelihatan ada kesan-kesan darah di sekitar gigi Pontianak A.
Pontianak A : Korang nampak rumah tu
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak A : Satu rumah tu habis aku kerjakan.
Pontianak B pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A. 5 saat kemudian balik semula ke pokok tersebut.Kelihatan ada darah bukan setakat pada gigi, malah pada keseluruhan mulut pontianak tersebut.
Pontianak B : Korang nampak kampung tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Habis satu kampung tu aku kerjakan.
Sejurus lepas itu Pontianak C pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A dan B. Dalam masa 2 saat je dia kembali ke pokok tersebut. Kelihatan darah mengalir-ngalir bukan sahaja pada mulut, malah pada keseluruhan muka pontianak tersebut.
Pontianak C : Korang nampak tembok kat hujung sana tu?
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Err...tadi aku tak nampak...
Pontianak A : Korang nampak rumah tu
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak A : Satu rumah tu habis aku kerjakan.
Pontianak B pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A. 5 saat kemudian balik semula ke pokok tersebut.Kelihatan ada darah bukan setakat pada gigi, malah pada keseluruhan mulut pontianak tersebut.
Pontianak B : Korang nampak kampung tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Habis satu kampung tu aku kerjakan.
Sejurus lepas itu Pontianak C pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A dan B. Dalam masa 2 saat je dia kembali ke pokok tersebut. Kelihatan darah mengalir-ngalir bukan sahaja pada mulut, malah pada keseluruhan muka pontianak tersebut.
Pontianak C : Korang nampak tembok kat hujung sana tu?
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Err...tadi aku tak nampak...
January 25, 2008
Customer vs Helpdesk
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry.
--
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?
--
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and.....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
--
Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
--
Customer: I have problems printing in red ...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
--
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
--
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!
--
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
--
A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
--
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
--
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle around it?
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry.
--
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?
--
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and.....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
--
Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
--
Customer: I have problems printing in red ...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
--
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
--
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!
--
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
--
A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
--
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
--
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle around it?
January 22, 2008
Saya mahu keluar!!
Pada suatu tengah malam telepon di rumah seorang pustakawan berdering.
"Pukul berapa perpustakaan akan di buka?" seorang pemuda di hujung talian bertanya.
"Jam 9 pagi encik, apa hal yang penting sangat encik menelifon saya tengah malam buta nie?" tanya pustakawan tadi.
"Tak boleh buka awal lagi ke?" pemuda itu bertanya lagi dengan nada kecewa.
"TIDAK, tidak akan dibuka sebelum pukul 9!" si pustakawan menjawab dengan nada yang tinggi.
"Penting sangat ke sampai encik tidak boleh tunggu sampai pukul 9 pagi untuk masuk?"
"Siapa kata saya mau masuk?" kata pemuda itu kesal,
"SAYA MAU KELUAR!"
"Pukul berapa perpustakaan akan di buka?" seorang pemuda di hujung talian bertanya.
"Jam 9 pagi encik, apa hal yang penting sangat encik menelifon saya tengah malam buta nie?" tanya pustakawan tadi.
"Tak boleh buka awal lagi ke?" pemuda itu bertanya lagi dengan nada kecewa.
"TIDAK, tidak akan dibuka sebelum pukul 9!" si pustakawan menjawab dengan nada yang tinggi.
"Penting sangat ke sampai encik tidak boleh tunggu sampai pukul 9 pagi untuk masuk?"
"Siapa kata saya mau masuk?" kata pemuda itu kesal,
"SAYA MAU KELUAR!"
Temubual dgn pakcik biri-biri
Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri.
Pemuda : Baguslah ternakan biri-biri pakcik. Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik : Boleh aje...
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?"
Pemuda : Yang putih.
Pakcik : Kalau yang putih berjalan lebih kurang enam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Ah, yang putih makan lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Aaa...yang putih menghasilkan sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yg putih dgn yg hitam, padahal jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punye.
Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punye?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama....
Pemuda : Baguslah ternakan biri-biri pakcik. Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik : Boleh aje...
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?"
Pemuda : Yang putih.
Pakcik : Kalau yang putih berjalan lebih kurang enam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Ah, yang putih makan lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Aaa...yang putih menghasilkan sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yg putih dgn yg hitam, padahal jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punye.
Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punye?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama....
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