Keistimewaan Wanita

1-berdarah tiap2 bulan tapi tak mati2
2-hidang susu fresh tanpa pergi kekedai
3-mengeraskan hotdog tanpa peti sejuk
4-ditikam bertubi2 tapi tak mati2

Katak Hijau

Pada suatu ari kita pegi ke sebuah gua.
Penjaga gua tu kate, dlm gua tu ada katak ijau.
Jgn pijak katak tu sbb klu pijak, dpt su ami tak hensem.
Dlm gua tu saya je terpijak katak ijau, tapi awak tak.

Pastu, tiba masa kita kawin. Suami saya mmg tak hensem.
Tapi suami awak hensem. Saya tak puas ati la!
So saya tanya suami awak kenapa kawin ngan awak? Saya lg cantik
malah berganda cantik dr awak. Pastu dia jwb "nak wat caner,
dulu saya pun terpijak katak ijau tuu..."

Condom vs Kotex

Condom: Bullshit u! every month u stop my business for 1 week! Damn!

Kotex: Aaaaahhhhh!! if u make 1 single mistake, i'll lose my business for 9 months!

Kentut

org Amerika kentut ckp EXCUSE ME
org British kentut ckp PARDON ME
org Singapore kentut ckp FORGIVE ME
org kita kentut ckp NOT ME! NOT ME!

Putar Alam

Boss berkata kepada Secretary : Kita akan outstation selama seminggu, jadi aturkan segalanya.

Secretary menelefon Suaminya : Untuk seminggu boss saya dan saya akan
outstation, awak pandai2 jaga diri nanti...

Suami menelefon Buah Hatinya : Isteri saya akan outstation selama seminggu, jadi mari kita habiskan masa bersama-sama. ...

Buah Hati menelefon Murid tuisyennya : Saya kene bekerja selama seminggu, jadi awak tak perlu datang untuk tuisyen...

Murid tuisyen tersebut menelefon Atuknya : Atuk, untuk seminggu saya takde kelas sebab cikgu saya sibuk. Mari kita habiskan masa bersama...

Atuk (the 1st boss) menelefon Secretary : Minggu ni saya nak abiskan masa bersama cucu saya.. Batalkan outstation tuh...

Secretary menelefon Suaminya : Minggu ni boss saya ade kerja, kami dah
membatalkan outstation tu...

Suami menelefon Buah Hatinya : Kita tak dapat nak habiskan masa bersama untuk minggu ni, isteri saya dah membatalkan outstationnya. .

Buah Hati menelefon Murid Tuisyennya : Minggu ni kelas tuisyen mcm biase.

Murid Tuisyen menelefon Atuknya : Atuk, cikgu saya cakap minggu ni saya kene pergi kelas tuisyen. Sori, saya tak bleh temankan atuk.

Atuk menelefon Secretary : Jangan risau, minggu ni kita outstation. Jadi uruskan semuanya..

Woakakaka... . .penat aku nak tulih lagi nie....

Happiest Hour

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband,
"Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was indeed the happiest hour of my married life."

Break off

Tijah ingin memutuskan perhubungan dengan boyfriend MAT SALLEHnya....
Dia tak sanggup bertemu muka, Lalu dia pun mengutus surat... surat tu macam ni bunyinya:

Hi,
My motive write this letter is to give know you something. I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US. I have think about this very cook cook.

I know i clap one hand only. Correctly, i have seen you and she together at town with eyes myself. You always ask for apology back back. I don't trust you
again!!! You are really crocodile land.

My friend speak you play wood three. Now i know you correct correct play wood three. so,i break connection to pull my body from this love triangle.

I know this result i pick is very correct, because you love she very high from me. So, i break off to go far from here. I don't want you to play play with my liver. I have been crying until no more eye water thinking about you.I don't want banana to fruit two times ....

Safe walk .......

Tijah

Plain Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said;
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English - what is wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English", the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay..." said the man. "Now give me the really complicated medical term so that I can tell my wife."

Shut-up

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog of course . At least it will shut up after you let him in!

Three Children

A couple had three children.
Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.

One day the hubby got suspicious and asked: "Are the third child really mine? "

" Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " .......... but the other two are not. "

McDonald's love story...

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH"

The Marriage is...

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Wedding Anniversary

I asked my wife : " Where do you want to go on our anniversary ? "

She said : " Oh ! Somewhere I have never been before ! "

I told her : " How about the kitchen ? "

Holding hands

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops !

Mean Men

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Please join the queue."

When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (5)

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (4)

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SIN CE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (3)

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (2)

In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTO MER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

When English Is Not Your Mother Tongue (1)

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

Pls, cancel her credit card!

This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is.... My Aunt died this past January. Bank billed her for February and March for! Their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00 I placed the following phone call to Bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank:"...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me:Â "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: ".....(stammer)"Â .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me:Â "Sure." (Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )
Bank:Â "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank:Â "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Why we love children (11)

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Why we love children (10)

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Why we love children (9)

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Why we love children (8)

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Why we love children (7)

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Loving Couple

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

Why we love children (6)

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in my tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

Why we love children (5)

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Why we love children (4)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. " I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Why we love children (3)

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Why we love children (2)

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Why we love children (1)

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Sam&Dol : Sila datang lagi.

SAM: Dah dua kali perompak yang sama datang merompak kedai kita.

DOL : Tu lah aku dah cakap kat kau, jangan pasang signboard "SILA DATANG LAGI"

Sam&Dol : Batuk

SAM : Dol, aku dengar bunyi batuk kau makin teruk!

DOL : Iya ke? kalau macam ni aku kena banyak berlatih agar dapat batuk dengan lebih baik lagi.

Sam&Dol : AIDS

SAM: Aku ada AIDS? mana ada...

DOL: Aku baca 1 dari 10 orang kat Negara ni ada aids. Aku dah tanya 9 orang, semua tak ada aids, kau orang ke 10, tak payah tanya, aku dah tahu...

Sam&Dol : Candle light dinner

SAM: Aku tengok kau beberapa hari ini "candle light dinner" dengan bini kau, mesti dia suka.

DOL: Dia marahlah. Aku lupa nak bayar bil elektrik, api rumah aku dah kena potong!

Sam&Dol : Gula dan garam

SAM: Apasal kopi yang kau buat ni rasa masin?
DOL: Gula dah habis!
SAM: Yang kau pergi campur garam apasal?
DOL: Kan aku kata, sebab gula dah habislah

Sam&Dol : Hantu

SAM: Semalam aku nampak hantu!
DOL: Uih! kau terkejut tak?
SAM: Taklah.... hantu tu yang terkejur tengok aku.
DOL: Mana kau tahu?
SAM: Aku tengok muka dia pucat semacam jer....

Sam&Dol : Mati lemas

SAM: Kau kata binatang peliharaan kau mati lemas? Mana kau tau dia mati lemas?
DOL: Sebab aku bela ikan emas. aku jumpa ia mati dalam air!

Sam&Dol : 2 ringgit

SAM: Apasal ko marah kat tokey kedai 2 ringgit tu?
DOL: Sebab dia tipu. Aku beli 3 barang dia mintak 6 ringgit. Kata kedai 2 ringgit

Sam&Dol : Susu segar

SAM : Kenapa kamu cakap minum susu segar boleh bawa maut?
DOL : Sebab semalam semasa aku tengah minum, lembu tu terajang aku. Nasib baik tak mati.

Clever scrabble

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Business Logic

Father : "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father : "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a Vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Confusing English

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to Make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around Several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Get Back to WORK !
ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

Letter to dad

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.......

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real happiness with Randy and he is so nice to me.

I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the this happiness Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days, is it?), and has no money,really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, and slight pain in the chest her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

3 Answers most scared by men

(1 ) Whatever
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face...
Men: Alright, why not we have Sichuan cuisine?
Women: Yesterday ate Sichuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm... I suggest we have seafood then.
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever...

(2 ) Anything
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie.
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only.
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such a hot day? You not feel tired meh?
Men: Then find a cafe and have drink.
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything...

(3 ) You decide
Men: Then we just go home lo...
Women: You decide!
Men: Let'S take A bus, I will accompany you.
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la...
Men: Ok,we will take Taxi then.
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance.
Men: Alright, then we walk lo... Take a slow walk.
Women: What??? To walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide.
Men: Let's have dinner first.
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anyting...
(Look around... no one here, gonna kill her....)

Why the Brits think 80% of M'sians come to UK to study law

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...

Cara berfikir

Seorang guru perempuan bertanya soalan pada muridnya yang bernama Amin.

"Amin, 5 ekor burung di atas pokok dan seekor ditembak oleh pemburu, berapa
ekorkah yang tinggal?".

Amin menjawab "Tidak ada yang tinggal cikgu".

"Jawapan sebenarnya ialah 4, tapi saya suka cara kamu berfikir" balas guru
tersebut.

Amin kemudian berkata "Boleh saya tanya cikgu pulak?". Cikgu tadi mengangguk setuju.

"Tiga orang wanita makan ais kerim, wanita pertama menjilat bahagian atas aiskerim manakala wanita kedua memegang bahagian krimnya dan menjilat kon aiskerim terlebih dahulu dan wanita ketiga hanya memandang pada aiskerim tersebut. Wanita manakah yang telah berkahwin?"

Gurunya dengan teragak-agak menjawab "Wanita kedua!".

"Jawapan sebenarnya ialah wanita yang memakai cincin perkahwinan. Tapi saya suka cara cikgu berfikir" balas Amin dengan selamba.

Smart kid

A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"

The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to Primary 3."

The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two ?"
Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I??
Harry: "A Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I?? (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??
Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." What am I??
Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6 ! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself."

Salah potong

Sebaik sahaja mengambil tempat duduk di ruang menunggu sebuah klinik, Shan terpandang Amin sedang menangis teresak-esak. Dia segera mendekati.
Amin. : Shan, Kenapa menangis?
Amin : Saya datang untuk ujian darah.
Shan : Awak takut ke?
Amin : Bukan itu sebabnya. Semasa ujian darah dijalankan, mereka telah terpotong jari saya.
(Mendengarkan penjelasan Amin, Shan menangis.)
Amin : Eh, kenapa pula awak menangis?
Shan : Saya datang untuk ujian air kencing...

Kawan atok

Seorang atok membawa cucunya ke pejabat pos untuk menghantar surat.
Cucunya bertanya bila melihat atoknya memasukkan surat ke dalam tong
berwarna merah.
"Atok buat apa tu?".
"Atok bagi surat kat kawan atok,cu!" jawap atoknya.
Cucunya bertanya lagi, "Apa bangang sangat kawan atok
duduk dalam tong merah tu?"

The Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!!!"

First Impresstion is important... but..

Abdul Razak grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia, and then moved away to KL to do his law degree. He decided to return to Kota Baru because he could be a big man and really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Abdul picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to argue that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support! Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Abdul rattled
instructions.

Finally, Abdul put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied , "I'm from Telekom, I've come to connect your line."

Senyummmm...

Seorang pegawai polis masuk ke bilik mayat sebuah hospital untuk
menyiasat punca kematian tiga lelaki sekaligus.
Selepas memeriksa mayat-mayat itu, dia bertanya kepada penjaga bilik
berkenaan.
Polis : Mengapa ketiga-tiga mayat tersenyum?
Penjaga : Lelaki pertama sedang bersanding, apabila tiba2 diserang strok.
Lelaki kedua pula khabarnya menang loteri dan mati serangan sakit jantung
manakala yg ketiga
disambar petir.
Polis : Hah! Kenapa disambar petir pun tersenyum?
Penjaga : Masa tu dia ingat orang sedang ambil gambarnya...

Cermin mata

Seorang lelaki pergi ke klinik mata. Setelah matanya diperiksa, dia bertanya: "Doktor, lepas pakai cermin mata nanti, boleh ke saya membaca macam orang lain?"
"Dah tentu, " jawab doktor.
"Oh, gembiranya. Dah lama saya buta huruf, akhirnya boleh juga saya membaca." kata lelaki itu dengan riang.

Habis...?

Orang Asli Dan Polis
orang asli : selamat pagi tuan
polis : selamat pagi
polis : apa hal
orang asli : saya nak buat repot tuan
polis : fasal apa tu
orang asli : kawan saya di baham harimau
polis : pukul berapa
orang asli : dia tak pukul, terkam
polis : habis?
orang asli : tak habis, tinggal kepala

Posmen

Seorang posmen yang datang menghantar surat.
"Assalamualaikum."
"Walaikumsalam"
"Ni rumah encik Sameon ye?"
"Ya saya"
"Poning kepala saya mencari alamat rumah encik ni "
"Buat susah aje encik nie! Apsal tak pos aje?"

Spare gear

Seorang Tok Batin baru membeli motorsikal Honda dan kebetulan pada jalan pulang terserempak dengan kawanya yang ingin menumpang, lalu ditumpangkan kawanya itu. Dalam perjalanan kawannya merasakan Tok Batin
hanya mengunakan gear 1 sahaja lalu bertanyalah kawannya itu,
Kawan Tok Batin : Kenapak kamu hanya pakai gear 1 sahaja.
Tok Batin : Kalau rosak 1 gear ada 2 lagi gear.
Kawan Tok Batin : ????????

Salah kereta

Citer ni member aku yg beritau. Sampai nak pecah perut dibuatnya. It happen at Jalan Loke Yew.

Satu malam tu kawan pompuan ni la, dia baru jer balik dari party, tak tahu how many glasses dia minum ler tapi memang dia betul-betul mabuk. So masa on the way home she got blocked from the police officer and asked for her driving license and so on but unfortunately at the same time tu, there was an accident happen a cross the road.

Quite major jugaklah accident and the policeman leave her and rushed to the
accident scene.So this stupid girl dah gabra tak tahu nak buat camne, she just ran off back to her car and head straight back home in Klang.

So the next morning polis datang ketuk pintu rumah dia dan polis tu tanya dia, "AWAK PEGI MANA MALAM SEMALAM?"
Pompuan ni pulak jawab, "TAK KEMANA ENCIK. SAYA KAT RUMAH JER."
So polis tu tanya lagi, "BETUL KER???"
Pompuan tu jawab, "BETUL ENCIK. SUMPAH SAYA TAK GI MANA2, TANYA LER NGAN HOUSEMATE SAYA."
So polis tu kata, "YE KER? (sambil tergelak) MARI SINI, KELUAR JAP"
Lepas tu polis tu tunjuk, "HA!!! ITU KETA SAPA TU??"

Pompuan tu macam nak pengsan sebab dia dah terbawak keta polis yg malam tadi balik rumah, dia ingat keta dia sebab kaler sama warna putih (wira) cuma keta dia takde sticker polis kat tepi pintu jer. Tak pasal2 kena saman RM1000 dan gantung lesen 1 tahun.

Tak muat Tok!

3 org menaiki motor dan ditahan polis trafik.
Namun pemandu motor tersebut tidak berhenti.
Katanya, 'Tak muat dah Tok, kami dah bertiga!!!

Putus tunang

Tunang Farid, Siti, menelefonnya untuk memutuskan pertunangan mereka.

Farid : Mengapa?
Siti : Saya dah bosan ngan awak. saya dah ada teman baru. Sebelum tu awak mesti kembalikan semua gambar saya.
Farid : Ok. Nanti saya hantar. Tapi saya tak ingatlah yang mana satu gambar awak. Dah terima nanti awak pilih dan yang selebihnya kembalikan kepada saya.
Siti : Erkkkkkk........ Benci .........

Derma

Aderla sorang lelaki datang ke sebuah rumah untuk meminta derma. Derma untuk rumah orang-orang tua. seorang budak pun membuka pintu.

budak : derma ape bang?
lelaki : derma untuk rumah orang-orang tua. adik ada apa-apa untuk didermakan?
budak : nanti jap. saya ambilkan atuk saya.
lelaki : ?????

Kisah sedih

Suami : Kenapa Sayang menangis?
Isteri : Saya telah baca sebuah buku. Sad endinglah bang..
Suami : Buku apa?
Isteri : Buku bank abanglah..

Tahukah Anda...

1. Tahukah Anda apabila 350ml air yang diambil dari paip sinki dan kemudiannya dituangkan ke dalam cerek yang mengandungi 150ml air suling dan dibiarkan terdedah kepada nyalaan api bersuhu 100 darjah celcius akan menghasilkan satu cecair yang dinamakan air masak.

2. Tahukah Anda bahawa air sirap merupakan salah satu bahan asas dalam pembinaan sebuah helikopter. Ini kerana kajian telah dibuat, seorang pembina helikopter memerlukan air sirap untuk menghilangkan keletihan semasa membuat helikopter, tanpa air sirap mungkin helikopter tersebut tidak dapat disiapkan.

3. Tahukah Anda bahawa Sebuah kereta yang dipandu selaju 220 km/j tidak akan dapat memotong kereta yang dipandu selaju 40 km/j sekiranya kereta-kereta tersebut dipandu dari arah yang bertentangan.

4. Tahukah Anda dalam bahasa Inggeris dan Italy, jurugambar dikenali sebagai paparazi. Perkataan itu dipercayai diambil dari watak paparazzo dalam filem La Dolce Vita yang diterbitkan oleh Federico Fellini pada tahun 1960. Dalam bahasa melayu pula, ayah kepada seorang budak yang bernama Razzi juga boleh dikenali dengan nama papa Razzi.

5. Tahukah Anda bendera negara Denmark telah dicipta 700 tahun lampau, menjadikan bendera paling lama digunakan di dunia lebih lama daripada penggunaan susu cap bendera.

6. Tahukah Anda magnet ialah sejenis logam yang juga digelar besi berani. Sebagaimana namanya magnet ialah besi yang berani menarik butir-butir besi lain kearahnya. Bagaimanapun orang yang diupah untuk menarik kereta bukanlah magnet.

7. Tahukah Anda cicak memutuskan ekornya apabila diganggu. Apabila cicak menyedari yang dia diekori oleh sesuatu, ia akan memutuskan ekornya supaya benda itu tidak mengekorinya lagi atas alasan tanpa ekor sudah tentu ia tidak akan diekori lagi.

8. Tahukah Anda gunung berapi yang berusia tiga ratus tahun disahkan masih aktif untuk meletup. Tapi mengikut kajian ahli gunung, api elektrik di rumah kita tidak akan aktif jika tidak membayar bilnya selama tiga bulan.

9. Tahukah Anda ahli sains seluruh dunia bersepakat jika nasi ayam dimakan sewaktu lapar, perut kita akan mengalami satu tindakbalas yang berupa kekenyangan. Nasi ayam juga boleh digunakan sebagai ubat untuk menggembirakan hati kita bila nasi ayam yang dimakan itu dibelanja oleh kawan kita..

hmmm... macam org punya akal la ni...

...tahukah anda jika anda menjolok lubang plug elektrik di rumah anda dgn tangkai garpu, jiran anda akan makan kenduri 3 malam di rumah anda?

Computer

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS, READ THIS AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH : "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH : "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH : "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive."

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER : "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER : "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER : "I'm not going to do that!"

Gadis Melayu

Sebuah asrama perempuan di Terengganu telah diganggu jin. Yang peliknya, pelajar India dan Cina tidak diganggu. Hanya Melayu sahaja. Seorang bomoh dipanggil untuk menghalau jin itu. Upacara dilakukan.

Bomoh bertanya kepada jin, " Kenapa kau tak ganggu perempuan Cina atau India?"

Jin itu berkata dengan suara yang menakutkan,"Siapa bilang gadis Melayu tak menawan, tak menarik hati, tiada memikat..."

The Man & The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say........"

Peramugari dan ulamak

Seorang ulamak sedang berada di dalam sebuah kapal terbang untuk ke sebuah negeri. Apabila tiba waktusolat, dia pun ke tandas untuk berwudhuk. Oleh kerana tandas di dalam kapalterbang terlalu kecil, maka beliau terpaksa membuka pintu tandas itu ketika berwudhu.

Tatkala beliau mengangkat salah satu dari kakinya ke tangki (washing basin), seorang peramugari telah ternampak perbuatan ulamak itu dan menegurnya.

Peramugari: (dengan suara dikeraskan..) Tuan tidak boleh memasukkan kaki ke dalam tangki tu, sebab ia akan mengotorkan tangki.
Ulamak: (dengan suara lembut dan penuh rendah diri...) Berapa kali saudari mencuci muka saudari dalam satu hari?
Peramugari: (dengan sifat angkuh...) Kebiasaannya sekali atau dua kali dalam sehari.
Ulamak: (dengan sifat bersahaja....) Saya mencuci kaki saya lima kali dalam sehari, bererti kaki saya lebih bersih dari muka saudari.

Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in
love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you scroll down for the answer]

Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used
to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you answered correctly, please take me off your mailing list!!!!

Children are so creative!

KIDS say the darnest things. ;-)

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?

Beruang Yang Beriman...

"Alkisah... .. Seorang lelaki islam ponteng sembahyang Jumaat. Sebaliknya dia masuk hutan untuk memburu beruang. Sedang dia terhendap2 di dalam semak, tiba2 dia berlanggar dengan seekor beruang.

Dia begitu terkejut sehingga senapangnya tercampak lalu tergelungsur ke dalam jurang. Dia pula tergolek ke arah lain, jatuh ke atas batu dan KRAKKKK! Kedua2 kakinya patah. Jangan risau .. ini bukanlah berita buruk ok. Ada lagi ..

Berita buruknya adalah beruang tadi terus menghambatnya, sedangkan dia dah tak boleh bergerak lagi.

"Ya Allah," doa lelaki tersebut,"Ampunilah dosaku kerana ponteng sembahyang berjemaah pada hari Jumaat yang mulia ini. Ampunilah aku ya Allah .. makbulkan hajat ku ini .. jadikanlah beruang yang memburuku beruang yang beriman .. tolong ya Allah! Aminnn.."

Tiba2 guruh berdentum! Beruang tadi tiba2 terhenti betul2 di hadapan lelaki tadi. Sambil menadah kedua2 kaki depannya ke langit, beruang tersebut pun berdoa, "Allahumma barik lana, fima razaktana, wa qina azabbannar. Amin!"

Note : Walaupun ini hanya sekadar lawak, tapi pengajarannya perlu diambil. Jangan cuba-cuba nak ponteng sembahyang Jumaat, pembalasan Allah tu pelbagai cara.

Singlish Forever

Why do we insist on using the Queen's English, when Singlish is so muchnmore economical and effective? Compare and see!

When going shopping...
Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

When returning a call...
Britons : Hello, this is Mr Bean. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page?

When someone is in the way...
Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
S'poreans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor! or Skius!

When someone offers to pay...
Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
S'poreans: No-nid. (no need)

When asking for permission...
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
S'poreans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
S'poreans: Go toilet. Cannot tahan oreddy.

When entertaining...
Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
S'poreans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
S'poreans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons : I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
S'poreans: Doe-waaaan.

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons : What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out & all the restaurants are closed?
S'poreans: So how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the policy.
S'poreans: Talk cock, lah you!

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
S'poreans: Eh, tiam, can or not?

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
S'poreans: See what?

Teka-teki bodoh

Soalan : Hitam & berpeluh..Haa..Ape tu??
Jawapan : Semut hitam tengah berjogging....

Soalan : Apa benda bila masuk segitiga, bila keluar bergulung-gulung....
Jawapan : Seluar dalam lerrr..

Soalan : Antara kapal terbang dengan kuih lepat liat, mana satu yang paling tinggi?
Jawapan : Kuih lepat liat la...sebab kapal terbang sampai langit je, tp kuih lepat liat sampai
LELANGIT...

Soalan : Byk-byk kotak, kotak ape yg tak leh angkat?
Jawapan : Kotak penaltilah

Soalan : Kenapa penggali kubur gali kubur tak pakai selipar???
Jawapan : Selipar maner boley buat gali tanah......gune cangkol lar....

Soalan : 3 kepala, 6 mata, 8 kaki. Apakah ia?
Jawapan : Koboi naik kuda bawa ayam.

Soalan : Masa dia hidup kita nyanyi, masa dia mati kita tepuk tangan
Jawapan : Lilin masa sambut birthday

Soalan : Scorpion kaler apa?
Jawapan : Kala jengking la

Soalan : Dlm bnyk2 kera, kera ape yg pandai menaip???
Jawapan : Kerani

Soalan : Ada sorang iman, tengah sembahyang lepas tu ada sekor anjing lalu depan dia.. pastu
dia jilat kaki dia.. Batal tak air semayang imam tu?
Jawapan : Mana batal sebab anjing tu jilat kaki dia sendiri

Soalan : 4 org awek berpayung dgn satu payung tp kenape tak basah?
Jawapan : Sebab tak hujan

Pesakit dari 2 negara

Atas saranan doktor, Mamat dihantar untuk berubat di USA kerana penyakitnya yang agak kritikal. Sesampainya di Hospital New York , Mamat dibawa ke bilik bedah dan dipasang tiub getah kiri kanan.

Beberapa jam kemudian, seorang pesakit dari UK yang kelihatannya lebih parah dibawa masuk dan diletak bersebelahan katil si Mamat. Si Mat Saleh ini walaupun kelihatannya lemah, dia masih mencuba untuk berkomunikasi dengan Mamat. Dia mengangkat tangannya dengan susah payah dan berkata:" United kingdom..." Mamat yang juga sedang lemah, menjawab: "Malaysian..."

Setelah itu dua-duanya pengsan karena keletihan. Beberapa jam kemudian mereka kembali sedar dan cuba berkomunikasi lagi. Si Mat Saleh berkata dengan lemah: "James...". Dijawab dengan susah payah oleh Mamat: "Mamat...".

Habis itu mereka pengsan lagi. Beberapa jam kemudian setelah sedar, mereka berdua masih mencuba melanjutkan percakapannya. " Birmingham..."kata si Mat Saleh. Dijawab Mamat: "Kuala Kangsar...". Pengsan lagi.

Tak lama kemudian mereka sedar dan masih mencuba untuk berbual. Si Mat Saleh yang sudah hampir kehabisan nafas berkata: "Cancer..." Dan dengan sisa-sisa nafas yang ada Mamat menyahut: "Capricorn...!"

Anjing siapa lebih pintar?

Dua wanita sedang berbual-bual tentang kehebatan anjing masing-masing.
Wanita 1: U know.... anjing I cukup pintar, dialah yg tunggu mamak surat khabar dan bawa
masuk kpd suami I yg sedia menunggunya.
Wanita 2 : I knowwwww......
Wanita 1 : Bagaimana U know ?
Wanita 2 : Anjing I bagi tau !

Jalan Sehala

Seorang pelancong Indonesia datang ke Kuala Lumpur tersesat jalan lantas menalipon rakan Malaysianya.
Rakannya bertanya " Kau dimana sekarang?"
Pelancong Indonesia menjawab " Aku di JALAN SEHALA sekarang!".

Bapak dia kaya...

Pada satu pagi, di kedai mamak....
Ali : Aku hairan tengok kau.
Kassim : Kenapa, ada yang tak kena ke?
Ali : Yelah, kau tu. Aku tengok anak kau bawak kereta mewah. Tapi kau asyik
bawak basikal buruk kau tu aje.
Kassim : Dia bolehlah, bapak dia kaya. Bapa aku miskin

Perompak

Ada 2 org perompak yg tlh merompak bank & berjaya melarikan diri dari pihak polis. Mereka membahagi-bahagikan wang hasil rompakan tersebut yg jumlahnya agak banyak.
A : takyah lah kire. kite tunggu sok pg je.
B : apsal plak?aku tak sabor dah ni!!!
A : sok kluar paper, kite tau lah jumlah duit ni braper!!

Temuduga Warden

Suatu hari datang seorang pemuda untuk ditemuduga bagi jawatan warden sebuah penjara.
Pegawai : Awak ada pengalaman ke?
Pemuda : Tak ada.
Pegawai : Awak mesti dasyat kalau dapat keje kat sini.
Pemuda : Kenapa tuan?
Pegawai : Banduan di sini ganas-ganas semuanya. Boleh ke awak handle?
Pemuda : Ooohhh...tak ada masalah. Kalau diorang menyusahkan saya, saya keluarkan je!!

Parti

Hamid baru mendapat tahu dia akan ditukarkan ke Pulau Pinang kerana dinaikkan pangkat.

"Semua kawan saya akan mengadakan parti secara besar-besaran dan telah menempah supaya diadakan pertunjukan bunga api bagi meraikan pemergian saya" kata Hamid kepada Wahub.

"Baguslah tu. Habis kenapa pulak yang kau bersedih ni?" tanya Wahub.

Jawab Hamid, "Saya tidak dijemput..."

Masjid Jamek

Pada suatu hari yang damai, Tipah berjalan menuju ke stesyen LRT yang berdekatan dengan rumahnyer. Sesampainyer dia di situ, dia terus bergerak ke kaunter dan dengan senyuman yang menyeringai dan ramahnyer dia terus bertanya,
"Kak ....Masjid Jamek berape?".
Akak jaga kaunter tu kebetulan pulak baru dapat call dari kawan dia. Kawan dia report yang suami dia tgh dating ngan awek lain. Dengan rasa marah dan poyo yg masih bersisa maka akak kaunter pon jawab,
" Masjid Jamek ade satu jek."

Cuti sakit

Suatu hari, Salmah ponteng sekolah. Dia telefon guru kelasnya dan menyamar
sebagai ibunya.
Salmah : Hello, adakah itu Cikgu Aminah binti Ali, guru kelas tahun 6 hijau?
Cikgu : Ya, saya.
Salmah : Cikgu, hari ini Salmah tidak dapat hadir ke sekolah kerana sakit.
Cikgu : Ok...ok..., er...boleh saya tahu siape yang sedang bercakap?
Salmah : Emak saya...

Matahari

Ada dua orang gila yang sedang berbual di rumah sakit jiwa Tampoi.
Orang gila 1 : ( sambil naik atas meja ) "Kamu tahu tak?"
Orang gila 2 : "Tahu apa?"
Orang gila 1 : "Aku nie matahari ( sambil mengangkat tangannya tinggi-tinggi ) lihat lah terang dunia ini disebabkan aku!"
Orang gila 2 : ( dalam hati ) "Jangan-jangan dia ini bertambah gila, aku mesti lapor pada doktor biar dia diperiksa..."
Sambil berlari orang gila 2 tadi pergi ke bilik doktor dan menceritakan apa
yang berlaku:
Orang gila 2 : "Doktor, kawan saya itu mungkin bertambah gilanya."
Dokter : "Kenapa?"
Orang gila 2 : "Benar doktor, dia naik ke atas meja sambil mengangkat tangannya dia cakap dia adalah matahari, dunia ini terang dia yang buat."
Dokter : "Kalau begitu suruhlah kawan kamu tu turun."
Orang gila 2 : "Jangan doktor, nanti kalau dia turun gelap dunia ini nanti..."
Dokter : "???"

Wife's diary vs Husband's diary

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but his mind was far away. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HUSBAND's DIARY

Today Manchester United lost again. Niamah.

Engineer vs Management

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted.

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

Ayan & Lembu

Ayam : Manusia ni memang pentingkan diri sendiri!
Lembu : Kenapa kau kata macam tu?
Ayam : Tengoklah. Apa mereka buat kat aku!
Lembu : Hah! Buat apa pulak?
Ayam : Aku ni bertelur hari-hari. Aku cadang naklah dapat anak dua tiga ekor. Orang kata ada
juga waris aku bila aku dah tak de nanti.Tapi manusia ni memang tak berhati perut.
Hari-hari dia orang makan telor aku, macamana aku nak dapat anak!
Lembu : Alah! Kau punya masaalah kecil aja!
Ayam : Maksud kau?
Lembu : Aku ni, kalau fikirkan nasib aku lagi malang. Rasa nak bunuh diri pun ada. Bayangkan,
hari-hari manusia minum susu aku tapi sorang pun tak pernah panggil aku MAK!
Ayam : !!????? (Dalam hati: Tak boleh pakai punya lembu!)

Diet Cola

Divorce Letters

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night. You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case... I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------------- ------ ------- ------- ------- ---------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week... and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl"... but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla'...was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you!!!

Kisah Pontianak

Pada satu malam 3 ekor pontianak sedang bertenggek nun di atas pokok sambil bergaduh tentang kehebatan masing-masing. Ketiga-tiga mengaku diri mereka hebat. Untuk menentukan siapa paling hebat mereka pun cuba membuktikan kehebatan masing-masing. Pontianak A terbang dengan sepantas kilat. 10 saat kemudian balik semula ke pokok tersebut. Kelihatan ada kesan-kesan darah di sekitar gigi Pontianak A.

Pontianak A : Korang nampak rumah tu
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak A : Satu rumah tu habis aku kerjakan.

Pontianak B pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A. 5 saat kemudian balik semula ke pokok tersebut.Kelihatan ada darah bukan setakat pada gigi, malah pada keseluruhan mulut pontianak tersebut.

Pontianak B : Korang nampak kampung tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Habis satu kampung tu aku kerjakan.

Sejurus lepas itu Pontianak C pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A dan B. Dalam masa 2 saat je dia kembali ke pokok tersebut. Kelihatan darah mengalir-ngalir bukan sahaja pada mulut, malah pada keseluruhan muka pontianak tersebut.

Pontianak C : Korang nampak tembok kat hujung sana tu?
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Err...tadi aku tak nampak...

Customer vs Helpdesk

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry.
--
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?
--
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and.....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
--
Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
--
Customer: I have problems printing in red ...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
--
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
--
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!
--
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
--
A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
--
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
--
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle around it?

A Lesson...

Saya mahu keluar!!

Pada suatu tengah malam telepon di rumah seorang pustakawan berdering.
"Pukul berapa perpustakaan akan di buka?" seorang pemuda di hujung talian bertanya.
"Jam 9 pagi encik, apa hal yang penting sangat encik menelifon saya tengah malam buta nie?" tanya pustakawan tadi.
"Tak boleh buka awal lagi ke?" pemuda itu bertanya lagi dengan nada kecewa.
"TIDAK, tidak akan dibuka sebelum pukul 9!" si pustakawan menjawab dengan nada yang tinggi.
"Penting sangat ke sampai encik tidak boleh tunggu sampai pukul 9 pagi untuk masuk?"
"Siapa kata saya mau masuk?" kata pemuda itu kesal,
"SAYA MAU KELUAR!"

Temubual dgn pakcik biri-biri

Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri.

Pemuda : Baguslah ternakan biri-biri pakcik. Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik : Boleh aje...
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?"
Pemuda : Yang putih.
Pakcik : Kalau yang putih berjalan lebih kurang enam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Ah, yang putih makan lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Aaa...yang putih menghasilkan sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yg putih dgn yg hitam, padahal jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punye.
Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punye?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama....

Lawak Man Tapah

PART I

Che'gu Nasyor sedang mengendali kelasnya dalam aktiviti sukan di padang sekolah. Seperti biasa, Che'gu Nasyor akan menyuruh murid²nya melakukan regangan otot. Tiba di satu bahagian, dimana murid² baring dan mengankat kaki lalu menggerakkannya seperti sedang mengayuh basikal.

Che'gu Nasyor asyik memerhati seorang muridnya yang pada mulanya menggerakkan kakinya tiba² memberhentikan kakinya. Lalu Che'gu Nasyor menyergah muridnya yang bernama Man Tapah.

"Woiiii Man, apa sebab kau berhenti ni hah"
"Oh Che'gu Nasyor, basikal saya tengah turun bukit Che'gu, sebab tu saya berhenti. Takkan nak kayuh jugak."

PART II

Waktu sekolah telah tamat.sebelum keluar kelas, Che'gu Nasyor telah bertanya kpd murid²nya.

Che'gu : Siapa nak masuk/pergi syurga?
Semua murid mengangkat tangan kecuali Man Tapah lalu Che'gu Nasyor pun berkata,
Che'gu : Man, kenapa awak tak nak pergi/masuk syurga?
Man : Mak saya kata lepas habis sekolah, terus balik rumah.. jangan pergi mana-mana.

PART III

Che'gu Nasyor sedang mengajar Bahasa Melayu dalam kelas 1 Mawar...
Che'gu : Man, boleh kamu buat ayat dengan menggunakan perkataan tepong?
Man : Itu senang saja cikgu.. ayatnya ialah.... emak sedang membuat kek di dapur.
Che'gu : Mana tepungnya??
Man : Tepong kan ke dalam kek tu.... Che'gu nie tak sekolah ke hape??

PART IV

Seperti biasa, Che'gu Nasyor nie mengajar pelajar di Sekolah Agama. Che'gu Nasyor mengajar budak tahun satu. Pada hari tersebut, beliau mengajar bab 'cara berwudhuk'
Selepas mengajar, beliau (Che'gu) selalu meminta muridnya bertanyakan soalan jika terdapat kemusykilan.
Che'gu : Ada sesiapa hendak bertanyakan soalan?
Tiba² seorang anak muridnye mengangkat tangan, nama murid tu adalah Man Tapah
Man : Ada Che'gu. saya ada satu kemusykilan. Boleh tak kita ambil wudhuk dua kali?
Che'gu : Boleh, tapi kenapa sampai dua kali ambil wudhuk?
Man : Saya ambil dua kali sebab kalau saya terkentut, wudhuk lagi satu tu boleh buat spare part!
Che'gu : Allahhuakbarr!!!

PART V

Che'gu Nasyor : Joe, cuba terangkan apakah tugas akar pokok pisang?
Joe : Untuk mencari makanan, che'gu
Che'gu Nasyor : Bagus! Sekarang giliran Wati pulak. Apakah tugas batang pokok pisang?
Wati : Untuk membawa makanan yang dicari akarnya, che'gu
Che'gu Nasyor : Bagus! Sekarang giliran Man Tapah pula. Apakah tugas daun pisang?
Man Tapah : untuk membungkus nasi lemak, che'gu...
Che'gu Nasyor : uii... lagi bagus... berdiri atas meja sampai habis kelas...

Who's on first????

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

Alahai Menantu.

Cerita 1

Pak kasim seorang yg tamak harta. Dia menawarkan anak dara suntinya yg cun melecun kepada golongan yg kaya raya sahaja. Suatu hari datang la Seman, seorang usahawan muda ingin melamar anak pak kasim. Beliau cukup sifat tanpa cacat cela tetapi beliau malas solat. Ssetelah 3 hari berkahwin, Seman masih duk kat umah mentuanya. Setelah azan Maghrib berkumandang, Pak Kasim mengajak Seman utk solat Maghrib berjamaah. Seman gelabah sbb sebelum ini dia tak pernah solat.

Lalu Seman masuk ke bilik untuk menemui isterinya.
"Yang.. camner ni.. abg tak penah solat ni"
"Takpe bang.. abg ikut je ape yg ayah buat" isterinya berbisik perlahan..
Seman pun keluar untuk solat bersama Pak Kasim. Setelah Pak Kasim takbir, Seman ikut takbir... lalu pak kasim membaca surah Al-Fatihah..

"Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..." Seman pun turut membaca bismillah dengan lantang..."Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..."

Aisyh! pelik menantu aku ni. mazhab mana yg dia ikut? Setahu aku imam je yg baca kuat.. getus hati Pak Kasim..Pak Kasim buat selamba. Dia terus membaca surah Al-Fatihah. Seman pun turut membaca surah Al-Fatihah dgn kuat seolah-olah seorang budak yg baru nak belajar mengaji.

Pak Kasim pelik, lalu dia terus berpaling ke belakang utk melihat Seman. Seman turut berpaling ke belakang kerana mengikut gerak langkah Pak Kasim.

"Ish! Gila ke menantu aku ni??" Pak Kasim berjalan ke depan utk menjauhkan diri dari Seman. Seman turut berjalan ke depan mengikut langkah Pak Kasim. Pak Kasim terus melarikan diri melalui pintu depan dan terus menuju ke sawah di tepi rumahnya. Seman terus berlari mengejar pak kasim sampai ke tepi sawah. Tiba-tiba Pak Kasim tergelincir lalu jatuh ke dalam sawah padi. Seman pun turut menjatuhkan badannya ke dalam sawah seolah-olah tergelincir.
Pak Kasim pun terus bertanya kepada Seman.

"Seman. apesal yg ko ikut aku sampai ke sawah ni?"
"Ayah.. susah ye nak solat Maghrib ni. baru saya tau. sampai kena berlari.."

(huargh huargh huargh!!!! sedey nye kalau ada laki camnie !)

Help!!

Reason I don't visit rich friend

Reasons why I never visit my rich friend
Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me
and...

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
Answer: " Tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush
tea, Iced tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?
Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer: "With cow's milk please.

Question: " Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? "
Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst

Lawak Pak Pandir

KIPAS

Ketika menaiki sebuah pesawat Nuri ke sebuah kampung orang Asli di Paloh Inai, Pekan, Pahang, seorang pegawai Jabatan Hal Ehwal Orang Asli (JHEOA) berkata:
"Panasnya dalam helikopter ini ...".
Maka menjawablah Pak Pandir yang turut berada dalam helikopter itu:
"Mahu tak panas tuan ...kipasnya besar ...tapi di luar ..."

HANDPHONE

Satu ketika di kampung Pak Pandir jauh di pendalaman Pahang, seorang pegawai kerajaan melihat Pak Pandir mempunyai handphone ...
"Wah Pak Pandir ...ada handphone ...ada coverage ka dekat sini ...?"
Jawab Pak Pandir: "Sini tak ada, tapi kalau encik mahu talipon saya punya handphone, bagi tau saya, saya boleh pergi ke bandar Rompin, sana ada coverage"

KONDOM

Pak Pandir mengadu pada pegawai kesihatan:
"Doktor, doktor kata kalau pakai itu kondom, Mak Andih saya tak boleh beranak, tapi selepas saya pakai, dia beranak juga, sudah berduyun-duyun anak saya."
Tanya pegawai kesihatan:
"Pakcik pakai kondom itu betulkah caranya?"
Jawab Pak Pandir:
"Saya pakai betul pada tempatnya, cumanya saya ini orang Islam, bila saya tengok kondom itu tidak bersunat,saya pun sunatkanlah (khatankan)..."

PETAI

Pak Pandir yang menjual petai di tepi jalan berkata kepada seorang lelaki yang bercadang membeli petai itu ...
"Encik satu longok, RM1 sahaja.Tapi, kalau encik ambil semua, kira murah...RM20 sahaja."
Tanya lelaki berkenaan : "Berapa longok semuanya?"
Jawab Pak Pandir : "Semuanya 20 longgok ..."

CUTI

Pak Pandir yang bekerja di sebuah kilang sebagai pengawal keselamatan berjumpa dengan manager minta cuti ...
"Tuan saya mahu minta cuti seminggu balik kampung, ada urusan keluarga. Bolehkah?
Jawab manager : "Cuti seminggu ...oklah, saya bagi cuti seminggu.
Selepas 14 hari, baru Pak Pandir balik bertugas.
Tanya si manager : "Kenapa dua minggu cuti?"
Jawab Pak Pandir : "Saya minta seminggu cuti. Tuan bagi seminggu cuti. Jadi dua minggulah ..."

Blind.

Husband-Wife jokes...

1st Conversation

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

2nd Conversation

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, we used night clubs."

3rd Conversation

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NOMATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

4th Conversation

Interviewer to A Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Baby Sitter..?

Lawak jerrr...

Lawak 1

Satu pagi di stesen ketapi, ada satu makcik tu dia tanya petugas kaunter...
Makcik : Anak, keretapi sampai jam berapa??
Petugas kaunter: Jam 2 Kedah, jam 5 Kelantan, jam 1 Penang, jam 7 Gemas. Makcik nak pergi mana??
Makcik : Makcik nak melintas aja.

Lawak 2

Bangla dan rakannya sedang berbual
Bangla : Esok saya nak balik Bangladesh, isteri saya mengandung 3 bulan.
Rakan : Wah mesti awak gembira
Bangla : Sudah tentu, sudah 3 tahun saya tak balik!
Rakan : ?????

Lawak 3

Di sekolah tabika.
Cikgu : Amri, awak ada berapa beradik?
Amri : Tiga, cikgu
Cikgu : Awak yg paling tua?
Amri : Tak. Atuk saya....

Lawak 4

Sorang nurse di hospital sakit jiwa nampak sorang pesakit sedang tulis surat.
Nurse : Ko tulis surat kat sapa?
Gila : Aku tulis surat untuk diri aku sendiri
Nurse : Jadi.. apa yang ko tulis?
Gila : Mana aku tau? Esok pagi bila posmen hantar, baru la aku boleh baca.

Lawak 5

Ada seorang pemuda ke kedai mamak dia hanya ada 70 sen semasa itu.
Pemuda : Mamak berapa harga teh panas deengan sejuk?
Mamak : Panas 70 sen sejuk RM1.20.
Pemuda : Bagi teh panas 1.
Sampai je teh tersebut pemuda itu terus minum.
Mamak : Kenapa awak minum cepat sangat?
Pemuda : Kalau saya tunggu lama2 nanti sejuk tak fasal2 saya kena bayar RM1.20

Sumber : email fwd by hubby. Thks!

Apek oh Apek...

I was looking for an empty space to park my car at Bangsar when suddenly there's a knock on the glass

"Encik ah..tanya sikit ah..itu Chimpeng mana ah..?"

"Apa?"

"Chimpeng, Chimpeng...saya sudah tanya itu guard ah.. dia cakap sini ada satu Chimpeng..."

"Sorrylah Apek. Saya tak tau woh...Apa tempat itu Chimpeng?"

"Aiyah...itu Chimpeng balu punya..Saya mau pigi angkat wang la..."

"Tarak tau la boss. Itu kedai ka apa?Along ka?"

"Chimpeng bukan kedai ma..lu itu pun tak tau ah..? itu Chimpeng macam itu Maypeng, Public Peng, RHetB Peng...itu balu punya Peng.."

Adoi...bengap punya apek..buat aku pening je..dia actually cari CIMB Bank...

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. The guy, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest pub. Wet and in shock, he went to a tavern and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Got you. Hahaha
Cheers & have a great weekend.............

Teka-teki 2

Sebuah bas telah berhenti secara mendadak kerana hampir terlanggar seekor katak. Apakah yang akan turun dahulu selepas pemandu itu berhenti?
Jawapannya ialah meter bas tulah...

Antara huruf A hingga Z,banyak-banyak huruf tu..mane huruf yang boleh kahwin ..ahhh sape dapat jawab???? senang jer...tahu tak jawapannya?
Aahh jawapannya ialah...huruf i ngan u lerrr..hehehehehe. nih antara pasangan bercinta lerrr. hehehehe

Kalau korang pandai math, 5 orang cina tolak 3 orang india , jadi apa?
Orang india tu jatuh lah....(keh keh keh!!!)

Ada 3 biji limau kendian di bahagi kepada 3 bahagian..lepas tu di bagi pulak pada 3 org..baper seorang dapat ?...kes kes kes kes korang mesti lemah IQ kan..
Jawapannya sorang dapat sebiji limau ler..sbb sama gak ko potong atau tak hehehhe mesti dapat sorang sebiji

Ok aku nak tanya hampa. benda apa kalau naik tak turun dah?
kui..kui..kui jwpn dia umuq la. ish...ish...ish hampa ni

Murid1 : Cikgu,Sungai Seget di mana?
Cikgu : .....(Diam jer).
Murid2: Ha... kau balik rumah nanti kau pergi tanya mak kau.Ajak pergi bercuti sekali kat sana.
Bila dirumah.
Murid1: Emak!Sungai seget kat mana?Jom kita gi bercuti!.
Emak: Palah otakko!Sape yang nak cuti kat tepi parit tu!
(Sungai seget tu kat JB. Sape yang dok JB tau la kat mana sungai seget tu)

Seorang pemandu teksi terkejut besar apabila dicuit oleh penumpangnya dari belakang lantas memberi amaran supaya tidak melakukan demikian lagi. Katanya ini adalah hari pertama beliau memandu teksi setelah 30 tahun jadi driver kereta jenazah... faham faham aje lah.

Cuba teka, mouse komputer , jantan ke betina?
Jawapannye betina ler... pasal dia pakai pad. hehe

Ada sekor gajah dan sekor kancil, berjalan2 dalam hutan. Suatu ketika, mereka terjumpa sebuah titi. Semasa kancil menaiki titi tersebut, titi tersebut runtuh. Kancil telah patah kaki. Gajah pula patah.........?Gajah patah apa rasanya ya????
Gajah PATAH BALIK ler!

Dalam banyak banyak lembu, lembu apa yang semua petani cari?
Any answer?
Lembu yang hilang lah. kalau tak hilang siapa lah ada masa nak kisah pasal lembu.

Hidupan apa didalam laut paling tua.
Jawapannya udang sebab dia sudah bongkok dan berjanggut..ha--ha--ha--ha--

Cube teke ye benda apa apabila kita berdiri dia baring, bila kita baring dia berdiri.......? Jawab2 jangan tak jawab.
Ape? tak tahu jawapannye?
Senang je jawapannye tapak kaki la......

Banyak2 ikan, ikan apa yang pemalu...
Jawapan nyer: ikan sardin. sebab nyer dier duduk dlm tin..

Andaikata anda terjumpa mayat manusia dan bangkai haiwan yang mana satu anda perlu tutup dulu?
Jawab.. jawab jgn tak jawab..Dua-dua..salah la.Tak tahu?
Tentulah hidung..

Apakah benda yang kita potong ia tetap akan panjang?
Ha jawapannya mestilah kacang panjang. Tak kanlah dah potong kita kena panggil kacang pendek.... Tak baik tau.

Teka-teki 1

Kalau mengantok bacalah teka teki ni....Dalam Banyak2 air, air apa yg paling berani?
Ha.Ha. Ape bende tu?
Kalau nak tahu, jawapannya ialah air kopi..eh.eh takdelah jawapan yg sebenarnye ialah air terjun..sebab dia berani terjun!!!! Ha!!! Ha!!! Ha!!!!!

Banyak-banyak binatang...binatang apa keluar haid...nak tau cari sendiri...takdok eh..
Jwpn: kura-kura..ala tu pun tak tahu...keluar HEAD..
(saja buat lawak..tak paham jugak.ala kepala le..)

Dlm 1 pertunjukkan.. seorg ahli silap mata tlh memijak kaca dgn tpk kakinya.. ttp dia x mengalami kelukaan..lalu dia memijak paku yg brtaburan..dan x luka juga.. tapi bila selesai persembahan dia jln terhencut2. Kenapa ya?
Kerana terpijak tahi ayam lah...hehehe..... ok x ...? lawak x..?

Dlm bnyk2 binatang..... binatang ape yg bertelur dan beranak.....? kira 2 alam la niiii.....ha jawap2....nak tau jawapannye...?
siput babi laaaaa.....ye la siput bertelur...babi beranak.... (kenape x percaye ye....)

Kalau anda ni semuanya pandaiiii cuba teka, banyak-banyak sungai, sungai apa yang paling berat?
Jawapaaaaaaannya ialah Sungai Besi...(Ha...ha...ha...lawak tak...alahhhh,lawaklah ye...)

Kereta dengan motor, mana lebih tua? ha..jawablah.saya bagi 2 saat.
........................................................................
...................................1saat
........................................................................
...................................2saat
oklah jawapannya adalah motor,sebab motor pakai tongkat...MUAHAHAHA.....

Dlm banyak- banyak pokok, pokok apa yg baik hati?
aku tak sanggup dah tengok > sure hampa teriak, kuaq ayaq mata ooo......
Jawapan dia pokok pisang sebab dia keluarkan jantung dia.

Ni dia satu lagi teka teki dari aku..huruf jawi apa yang ada angin...keh keh keh..jawab jgn tak jawab.. nak tau apa?
Huruf TA dan YA laa...
(kan jadi TAYAR tu..HEHEHE...)

Nih aku nak teka ni...kasut apa yang paling keras??haa..pikiaq2..apa?
kasut batu..salah maa..
Kasut BATA laaaa...
(muhahaha..lawak ka??)

Lawak Mee Bandung

Untuk beberapa tahun, Ahmad Suffian telah mengadakan hubungan sulit dengan orang gajinya, Sutina. Suatu hari, Sutina memberitahu Ahmad Suffian yang dirinya mengandung. Ahmad Suffian yang tidak mahu merosakkan perkahwinannya, telah mengambil keputusan untuk menghantar Sutina balik ke Bandung untuk melahirkan anak mereka di sana. Beliau berjanji akan menanggung segala kos untuk anak tersebut sehingga anaknya nanti berusia 18 tahun.

Supaya rahsia mereka berdua tidak terbongkar, Ahmad Suffian menyuruh Sutina supaya menghantarkan sekeping poskad dengan menulis perkataan "Mee Bandung" dibelakangnya setelah anak mereka lahir nanti. Ahmad Suffian akan menguruskan segala perbelanjaan untuk
anaknya setelah mendapat poskad itu nanti.

Suatu hari, 9 bulan selepas itu, ketika Ahmad Suffian pulang dari kerja, isterinya Norzalina menegur Ahmad Suffian dengan muka yang keliru.

"Bang ... abang dapat poskad yang peliklah hari ni," kata Norzalina.

"Oh, tak pe ... bagi poskad tu kat Abang. Nanti abang jelaskan," kata Ahmad Suffian. Norzalina pun memberi poskad itu kepada Ahmad Suffian dan melihat Ahmad Suffian membaca poskad tersebut, sebelum muka Ahmad Suffian bertukar menjadi biru, ungu dan terus pengsan!!

Poskad itu berbunyi ...
"Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung - 2 ada telur, 2 tiada telur. Tolong hantarkan kuah lebih ya!"